Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
