From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
