You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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