I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
