took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
