i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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