I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
