you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Someone shattered a urinal.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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