Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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