M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
