I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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