i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
