Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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