I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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