we'll go far in life on tits alone.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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