conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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