He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
