Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
