omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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