there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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