Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So. Much. Porn.
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