It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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