omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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