At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
