The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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