and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
