I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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