why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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