so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
