Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
