Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
