I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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