it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
