K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
