i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Houston, we have a squirter
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
