Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
