I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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