Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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