Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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