dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
