I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
