I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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