today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
