I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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