why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
