$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm always down for nudity.
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