Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
