Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
