The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
