Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize