just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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