Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
