i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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